I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
