the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
