Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
