He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
