i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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