her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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