I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
