Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
