I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
