you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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