I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My legs feel like baby dolphins
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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