I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
