I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
