matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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