who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
