i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
