I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
