After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
It's blow job season.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
