I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
