The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
