i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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