I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
