I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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