the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
