it's too hot outside to masturbate.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
