Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
