Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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