On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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