i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
