he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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