So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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