my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
she pinky promised me she was 18
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
