Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
