There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
