Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize