OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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