if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
