She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
