I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I still have a little drunk in my system
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
