Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
