I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
