There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
We smell like vodka and hangover
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
