she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Randomize
