I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
