hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
