Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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