Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
