Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
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