Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
