Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
